Caffeine
by sexybeardedlover
Summary: AU! Howard and Vince are best friends who own and live above a coffee shop. It's basically like the show without the magic, plus it's about unrequited love. Unrequited love that keeps you wide awake at night. Proving that love is like caffeine ;D R
1. Prologue

I hate Romeo and Juliet. It's not an 'oh, I had to read this for school' hate. It's a 'this story is crap' hate. I just fucking hate it. I have nothing against Shakespeare, of course. The man's a genius. He knew exactly what he was writing about. He knew about lust, anger, passion, vengeance, hate, happiness...love. So, what's the big deal with Romeo and Juliet? Is it because it's a classic love story? Is that what makes it so goddamn exciting? It's just over used now. Shakespeare had so many brilliant plays! Macbeth, Hamlet, Much Ado About Nothing, Taming of the Shrew, and...the greatest love story ever told? It damn well isn't the greatest love story ever told. They die in the end. They both commit suicide, because they love each other more than there stupid, angry families.

Well, maybe I'm so bitter about it because Howard and I fail to have that classic love story. It's simple, not very classic though.

Boy meets boy.

Boy and boy become best friends.

Boy and boy drop out of school.

Boy and boy move to London.

Boy and boy snog while drunk at house party.

Boy falls in love with boy.

Boy doesn't tell boy.

Boy and boy buy coffee shop.

And that's where we are. I'm in love. He's not. Well, he _is_. He's just not in love with me. Me, who's been his best friend for 18 years. Me, who's been so obviously in love with him for three years. What an arse.

It'd be a classic if we were in a romantic comedy from the 1990s, with Julia Roberts or something.

It's no fucking Romeo and Juliet, though. That's for sure.

How shit is that?


	2. Chapter I

**A/N: I'm a horrible person. I know, I know, I know, I know. AND this chapter is shit. It goes no where. SO SORRY!**

**Dedication: Moono (for being the best real life fanfiction boosh fan friend :'D) and Molly. Molly. Molly. I love you.**

**Disclaimer: I kind of a wee bit own someone in this chapter. Though they were mentioned int eh Boosh. So...fuck it. I own nothing.**

**PS I totally quote Nathan Barley.**

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The cafe shaman sat lonesome at his usual spot in Noir's Moon-light Cafe. He was surrounded by strange herbs, tarot cards, and old magic books with pages falling out from the seams. In front of him sat a large, majestic-looking crystal ball. 'From 1602,' he had said, proudly rubbing the smooth surface. He used to entertain people, now he sat, stoned and bored, nursing a black coffee.

"Naboo," I said to the shaman, flicking his blue silk turban. "There's a couple that need seats. Can't you go home?"

"It's so far!" Naboo groaned, slumping down on the cushions.

"It's upstairs, Naboo!" I exclaimed, gathering up the shaman's tarot cards. "I'm sure you can make it."

"That's your flat."

"Yeah, yours is next door, Naboo," I said. "Remember?"

"Hmmm...oh yeah..." Naboo gathered up his things and slinked off the back to the stairs.

"I reckon he should go to the hospital," Howard whispered to me as he showed the couple into Naboo's vacant table.

"Let him talk to his stuffed animal, it's sweet."

"It's not just Bollo, Vince. He's constantly stoned. We should probably do something," Howard said, worriedly.

"He's fine. He'll get back to normal again. He does this once every three months. We should be used to it by now," I patted Howard's arm and he quickly flinched away.

"Don't touch me!" He shouted.

"Right, right, sorry. Don't know what all the fuss is though, Howard!" I said. "I'm not going to kill you. We've known each other for eighteen years. I reckon you should know that by now." I smirked and poked my tongue out the side of my mouth a bit.

Howard just shook his head, and walked away from me and made his way to the door to greet a regular.

I went back behind the bar and poured myself a mug of coffee, leaving it black.

"I thought coffee made you jumpy," said a girl sitting on a barstool, leaning her elbows on the counter.

"It does," I replied. "I need the kick."

"Why not have vodka?"

"You're 16, Victoria, what would you know about vodka?"

"I'm 16, Vincent," she mocked, "in the 21st century, of course I know about vodka."

I laughed. "Alright, smart arse, what do you want?"

"Mocha," she said. "And don't call me Victoria."

"So, I can call you smart arse?"

"No, but you can call me Vector!" She said, beaming.

"Vector? Genius," I smiled. "I like it. Vector."

"Yeah, Vector," she smirked. "Now come on, where's my bloody mocha?"

"Ah, sorry, can't make them," I said. "More Howard's forte."

We both looked over toward's Howard. He was talking to Mrs. Gideon.

Mrs. Gideon. The woman Howard had been massively infatuated with since they'd first bought the cafe. She owned a reptile pet store across the street called Gideon's Reptiles. I thought she must've been able to come up with something a little better. Gideon's Reptiles was just so dull.

"Poor bastard," Vector sighed. "He'll never get her...or anyone really."

My heart sunk when she said that. If no one would get him, then neither would I. My life is a cheesy melo-drama. Damn fucking damn.

"Are you Vince's boyfriend?" Gideon asked Howard, extremely confused.

_I wish._

"What?" He exclaimed. "No, no we're just friends. I co-own the cafe."

"I've never seen you before."

"No, no, you have Mrs. Gideon! I say hello to you every morning when you come in. You forget who I am every morning when you come in!"

Instead of getting Howard, Vince and Vector watched him ramble on to Gideon as she got more and more confused and slightly disturbed.

"Come on, Gideon! I gave you that bookmark with the trumpets on it!"

That's when I decided to interject. "Oi, small eyes!" I shouted. "Come make Victoria a mocha!"

"Vector, Vincent!" She growled. "Vector!"

"Oh yeah, Victoria's called Vector now," Vince grinned. "Well genius, innit?"

"Well fucking Mexico," Vector burst, slapping her hand on the bar.

"Why Vector?" Howard asked slipping behind the bar and grabbing supplies to start up the mocha.

"I was expecting you to say something about my swearing," Vector deadpanned.

"It's the 21st century, what don't teenagers say?" Howard laughed.

"Well fucking Mexico," she repeated, smiling broadly. "See, when I'm a famous photographer I'll need a cool name. So, I picked Vector. Clever, isn't it?"

"Extra chocolate?" Howard asked.

"Yep," Vector said. "Can you hurry, though, I have to be at school in twenty minutes and it'll take me, like, ten to get there!"

"Have I ever made you late before?" Howard laughed.

"I suppose not," she shrugged, and smiled.

I liked this. Me and Howard and Vector got along. Vector, even though she was an insane-picture taking-manic-Canadian music obsessive-wannabe mod-16 year old, was my best friend. Howard was obviously was my best friend, but I was madly in love with that particular best friend, so Howard didn't really count. I kind of wanted to adopt Vector just to have her around all the time. But she was only around five years younger than me, and I was definitely not ready to be a father. A father of a teenager, no less. I have silly thoughts sometimes.

I watched Howard the rest of the day, just being him. Trying to impress people. Not impressing people. Making amazing coffee. Twitching his mocha moustache. Being beautiful in every possible way.

Three years of love, and still, he was much too good for me.

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**PLEASE REVIEW! **

**Writer's block is horrible. I have no idea what to do :| I only have awesome lines for Vector and Howard trying to convince Gideon of his existence**


	3. Chapter II

**A/N: I just felt like writing. I like this chapter. It's depressing. But hey, that's how I've been feeling over the past month, so here's a way of getting it out.**

**Disclaimer: I made a painting. But Noel Fielding owns it now. I don't even own things that are mine! Freaking ridiculous!**

**Enjoy!**

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It was one of those mornings that consisted of people running in and out of the cafe, going to work, going to school, going to "work", going to "school". I hated these mornings. It was so busy, yet at the same time nothing was happening. Howard and I weren't talking, because there were too many people coming and going. Naboo was no help either. He was still in a _soma_ holiday type world, sitting in the chair by the window. Vector had run in, gotten her mocha, and had run out, shouting something about audition rehearsals. I hadn't listened. I was watching Howard make small talk with the customers. I had watched Howard get Naboo back up to his flat so he wouldn't scare anyone.

I decided that maybe I should just tell Howard how I felt. That would have made it a lot easier. If he never wanted to see me again, fine I would leave. I was just about ready to up and leave anyway. I couldn't though. I couldn't leave, because we were much too happy. It's strange to say that you're happy, when actually you're heart is broken. Nevertheless, we were living a happy life and I couldn't just leave that. I couldn't just ruin it by telling Howard my heart was broken and he was the one that had broken it. That, I'm sure, would break his heart as well. I knew he cared about me. I knew that if I left, he'd be sad. I knew that we couldn't live without each other. But I was holding on by a thread. I was holding on so that Howard wouldn't be left without a best friend. Though I'd been left without a lover for three years. Awh the unfairness of it all was hilarious.

"You, know, Mrs. Gideon! Monsoon Moon!" Howard exclaimed. "Comin' atcha like a beam, like a ray, like a shark in the dead of night. I'm like a-"

"Howard," I interrupted, feeling the need to save him for the millionth time from falling into deep and utter humiliation. "I think Mrs. Gideon needs to get to work. And so do you! Have you seen the bloody line up?"

Howard looked towards me and then to Mrs. Gideon (who was already sprinting out the door) and then to the line that had formed in front of the bar.

"Sorry," he said.

It was strange how he never commented on my getting him away from Gideon. He used to all the time, but now I think he'd gotten used to the fact that he wouldn't get anywhere with her, as much as he tried.

I loved him.

"It's alright, but look Howard, you can't be talking to girls when we've got a bloody line up!"

"You talk to girls when we've got a bloody line up!"

"I talk to girls in the bloody line up," I laughed. "Come on, one frapuccino, one mocha, two lattes, three iced chais! Hop to it!"

"Hop to it?" Howard scowled. "I will hop to it, sir."

"Good, cos that's what I've told you to do, isn't!"

"I'm sensing a bit of role reversal here," Howard pointed out, grabbing a mug from the shelf. "Aren't I supposed to tell you what to do and you think it's all 'genius' and then ignore me."

"Well, that's what kind of day it is, Howard," I sighed. "I'm you and you're me and we're all just bloody insane."

"Hey, Vince," he said, touching my shoulder as I pounded numbers into the cash register. "What's wrong? You're definitely not you today. You're more me."

"Like I said: I'm you and you're me and we're all just bloody insane."

"I'll just leave it then," Howard said. He turned away from me and continued making drinks as I shouted out orders to him. Both kinds of orders. They were orders to make the orders. There were too many orders. Both kinds of orders. There were too many orders to make the orders.

It was a tiring day.

I thought of leaving that day.

But Howard and I needed each other. There hadn't been a day in 18 years that we hadn't at least talked on the phone. We always had some sort of contact and that's what kept us together. The fact that we always would be together was a stronger thought than being an actual couple.

Wouldn't that have been wonderful though? If we were an actual couple.

If we were an actual couple we would have been closer than we ever had been.

I'd be him and he'd be me and we'd all just be bloody insane.

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**Thoughts, concerns, compliments? Then review! Please! **

**Because I love you**

**~Winter xx**


	4. Chapter III

**_A/N: HEYO! so this is really short and nothing happens at all. It would have been longer. but I've just been really busy! It's my birthday today. 17 HOLY SHIT! so, I felt like posting._**

**_If you guys hadn't guessed (and I think I mentioned this earlier) Vector is basically me, but a photographer instead of a singer :P_**

**_There will be lots of fangirling from her over random stuff you guys have probably never heard of!1 :P_**

**_OKEY DOKEY I DON'T FUCKIN' OWN IT! At this point in time, I don't really want to, cos I'd probably ruin it :p_**

**_ENJOY!  
_**

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"I. LOVE. COFFEE." This, of course, was Vector expressing her newly found obsession with coffee.

"Yeah, I've noticed," I said, passing her a large mug full of the ridiculously over-caffeinated drink. "How come?"

"Dunno, it's just fuckin' epic!"

"It keeps me up at night," I sighed.

"It makes me fall asleep," Vector laughed, taking a sip of her drink. "So, how're you?"

"Uh, good."

"Good. Are you busy tonight?"

"I'm a bit too old for you, don't you think, Vector?"

"You're, what? Six years older than me?" Vector laughed. "No, I've got an art show tonight if you and Howard want to stop by school and see my photography."

"Awh genius! What time?"

"7:30. There's some other music shit and such, but I reckon you should just come for my pictures. There're a few of you and one of Howard's moustache."

"Cappuccino stain," I corrected.

"Oh, is that what it is?" Vector said.

"Mocha!" Howard exclaimed coming up behind me and wacking my shoulder.

"Ow, God Howard! Calm your boots," I chuckled. "It was just a joke!"

"I think it's a lovely moustache," Vector grinned. "I like moustaches. I once saw this really sexy Swedish folk singer with a lumberjack shirt and a moustache. Not even kidding. He was well fit."

"Didn't we have him here doing a concert?"

"Yeah! Remember him and his combat boots?"

"They weren't very in then I recall."

"Combat boots are always in, Vince!" Vector exclaimed. "Don't deny the epicness of the combat boots or you shall feel their wrath!"

"She's like the love child of you both," Naboo said, tiredly, as he sauntered up to the bar. "Obsessed with fashion and over exaggerates."

"That's disgusting," Howard grimaced.

"Awh come on, Howard, we'd have gorgeous children! Look at Vector, she's got blue hair, she's beautiful."

"No one is born with blue hair, Vince. Especially not blue that's only in your fringe."

"Yeah, I wasn't born with this. I dyed my hair because I'm an obsessive fangirl."

"Of blue hair?"

"Yes!"

"Anyway, Naboo, you need to work tonight," I said. "Howard and I have a thing to go to."

"We do?"

"Yeah, I've got an art show! You can come see my photography!" Vector said, pulling a neatly folded poster out of her pocket and handed it to Howard.

"Sounds good," Howard replied, looking the poster over. "It's a date."

I blushed. No one noticed. Thank God.

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**_ALRIGHTY! Thanks for reading that_**

**_nothing happened_**

**_Review...not that there's really anything to say. Just say hi. Hi is nice :p_**

**_~Puck xx (that's my new name! :P)  
_**


	5. Chapter IV

**_A/N: Hur hur :')_**

**_Dedicated to sexy sexy Molly. WHO I LOVE COS SHE'S AMAZING LIKE! (StrongerThanAMoose is her)_**

**_CHILDREN! Vector now has Twitter! She's called VvvVector! Follow her! She loves you all...she's basically me! _**

**_Love you._**

**_Enjoy!_**

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"If I were man," Vector suddenly said, eyeing me carefully as I prepared her chai latte.

We'd come back to the cafe after Vector's art show. Though Howard and I had only been there for 15 minutes until Vector ushered us out and back to the cafe. "You've seen my photos, now let's go," she'd said, pulling on the sleeve of my leather jacket much to my dissatisfaction.

When we'd returned, Howard had gone off to sulk and smoke in the cold through the back. He liked sulking. Even if he had nothing to sulk about. Well, he'd had a small reason to sulk. He'd wanted to stay at the school to watch the Senior Jazz Band. Vector had firmly told him "Hell no!" So, he sulked. Sulking was always good, especially with a pack of cigarettes. I'll never be sure when it was that Howard actually started smoking, but whenever it was, we had started to spend a lot more time together smoking on the porch. That could have been what helped me see him differently. Generally, people start to fall out of love after a while of the other not loving them back. Well, that's what I'd always noticed. But I'd known him for so long. My love just grew until it reached it's peak when we shared that drunken kiss at that stupid party. Now, it'd been growing in a different way. I think I was finding more respect for him. Not that I'd never really had respect for him. I'd always respected Howard. He was my best friend. In a way he was my only friend. The only friend I'd had that'd actually stuck with me for so long and never looked back to dwell on what kind of friend he'd found. I don't think we were any actual _kind _of friend to each other. We'd just always be together. Even if I hadn't decided to be an idiot and fall in love with him, we'd probably always be together as heterosexual life partners or something. We'd practically be married, but not have sex. I could live with that. As long as I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me always, I wouldn't need sex. I'd hardly need a kiss. Well, maybe a kiss now and then. A hug maybe, a small peck on the cheek. I just wanted to hear Howard tell me that he cared about me in some way. That'd be nice. That'd be so nice. My brain had decided to start ranting all the time. Stupid love.

"Excuse me?" I asked

"If I were a man," Vector repeated. "My name would be Lysander-"

"Lysander?" I scoffed.

"Shut up," she said. "My name would be Lysander, I'd have a moustache, I'd wear a leather jacket, I'd have hair like Josh Ramsay, and I'd probably be gay...Wait, I already have hair like Josh Ramsay. Hahaha, I'm funny," Vector laughed, and emphasized the sarcasm on her last few words.

"Who's Josh Ramsay?" I asked, placing the tall glass of chai latte on the bar between Vector and I.

"My husband," she said seriously. "Here, Ill show you." She fished her iPod out of her jeans pocket. Unravelling the earphones from round the orange rectangle, Vector said, "He's the lead singer of Marianas Trench. They're from Canada." She smiled broadly and handed me an earbud. "Listen," she put an earphone into her own ear and hit play.

A few moments later, I laughed and pulled out the earbud. "Is that what you want him to do to you?"

"Kind of,"Vector smirked and stuck her tongue out at the side of her mouth. I always did that as well. She was over here too much.

"You're sixteen, you shouldn't be thinking about some singer of some band slapping you like a bitch so you can take it like a whore."

"But Josh Ramsay's got blue hair!" Vector exclaimed, going through her iPod to find a picture.

"Because that solves everything. So, this is why you're obsessed with blue hair," I said as Vector held up her iPod to display a picture of said singer of Canadian emo band.

"Look at the shmexiness!"

"Alright, I like 'im."

"Good, cos one day I will marry him and it shall be beautiful. AND! They're really good live!" she grinned. "I've watched multiple illegally filmed videos on youtube!"

Listening to Vector ramble about this things she loved was, in a way, like a work out. Really, really tiring, but you felt good about yourself afterwards. You couldn't make Vector stop fangirling, so you had to ride out the entire rant. In the end, you'd feel proud of yourself for not dying. Though, it was always very entertaining listening to her. I loved her because of her strange obsessions. She was into a lot of random Canadian stuff which was interesting, so I learned quite a lot from her. Learning things was always good, even though I didn't really retain information that well.

Vector left when we closed at 9. No one ever wants coffee after 9 so, we had thought it was a good enough time to close. Since, the cafe was only run by Howard and I and the few people we had working, we didn't want to stay up all night like one of those commercial places. I was happy not to be commercial. We wanted our coffee place to be comfortable...God forbid I say "cozy", but that's what we wanted and that's we had. It was well nice, I think. We were popular, but not scary, out of this world, everywhere popular. We had one location.

After locking up, I found Howard still chain smoking like a really poofy guy from the 1920s...Howard wasn't poofy at all though. He was obviously straight and that irked me. You wouldn't think I'd know that word 'irk', but it's one of those nice words that I'd learned from Howard and planned on using it all the time to impress him. See, I wasn't gay. I wasn't really straight either; but I was quite poofy. I was glam rocker-type poofy. I thought it was obvious enough that I was mad to the fuck in love with Howard, but did he notice anything? Uuuh, no.

"Alright, Howard?" I said, sitting beside him on our stupid deck chairs.

"Yeah," He replied, sucking in the chilly cigarette filled air then taking a drag.

"D'you want me to put a record on, or something?" I asked. "I would have been fine staying, you know, it was just Vector. You remember being a teenager, Howard. Everything had to go your way."

"Put whatever you want on." He was still sulking. Damn, he sulked for a long time. I could handle it, but I just hoped that he'd be okay with manning the bar for a few hours by himself the next day.

"Howard, loosen up. It isn't the end of the world."

"Yeah, Vince, I know it isn't the end of the world. I'm just in a mood right now. I don't know why, okay?"

"Okay, sorry, Howard." I sat back in the chair and pulled my knees up to my chest. "D'you want a drink?"

"No."

"Can I have a fag?"

"Yeah," Howard breathed and handed me the pack.

"Cheers." I lit up and sucked in.

I hated smoking. It was disgusting, but it's an addiction. And addictions are a hard thing to satisfy unless you attest to them.

"I miss you," Howard said.

"What? We see each other all the time!"

"Well, clearly, but...ugh I can't explain."

"We talk," I said and Howard looked at me. "We talk up here all the time and smoke, but we're not really ourselves. We sort of learn things about each other that we hadn't known. Things that...we did know, but now we're seeing it in a new light."

"Why? Cos we're older?"

"Yeah?"

"To be honest, Vince, you haven't changed since you were 16."

"Howard, I'm a lot smarter than I was when I was 16. You can't tell, but I've grown up."

"Going out to parties and coming home at 7 AM isn't growing up, Vince!"

"That's not what I meant! You know that's not what I meant! We own a shop, Howard! I know how to run it. I've matured." I was yelling now. Obviously.

"See, we clearly don't spend enough time together anymore. I feel like I don't know you, Vince, and you're my best mate. Okay! I love you and we can't drift apart. It's not right!"

Wait...he'd said that he loved me. Well, no surprise there, it just wasn't the love I wanted to hear. But in that heated rage, I did the stupid thing. I misinterpreted it.

"Howard," I said. My voice was hoarse and still sounded angry. I'd already realized that my first thought was wrong, but did I care? No! So, I kissed him.

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**_BOOM! _**


	6. Chapter V

**_A/N: Hello, kiddles, sorry for the long wait! I've not really been reading much Boosh fanfic lately. I've sort of been taken in by some fanfic that I can't explain to you, because I have the feeling you'd all get intensely creeped out! SO! Anywho, hello, again_**

**_This is a short chapter...really short...I've been having issues_**

**_But please enjoy the angst anyway :')  
_**

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Howard was still. Of course he was. He was straight, I was a man, and I was kissing him. And to make everything one million and three times worse, I was his best friend.

Well...

"Vince," he whispered against my still moving lips. "Vince."

I pulled away and looked down. "Fuck."

"Vince, I-I'm sorry."

"Fuck!" I screamed. "Just...forget it, Howard."

"Vince, you kissed me!"

"Yeah, Howard, just forget it." I stood up and past to the door.

"Vince," Howard said again, more firmly.

I turned to him and gave him a tired look. There was a sudden crack of thunder and tiny water droplets started to fall. I watched as Howard's curls were soon soaked in the rainfall. He looked helpless, confused.

"It's not something I can just forget, Vince," he said, as he licked the raindrops from his lips.

"You didn't find it very hard before," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing!" I yelled. "I said forget it. Just fucking leave it, okay, Howard? Please. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing. It's a kiss, Vince! A kiss! How do you expect me to forget it?"

"I just do. Please, Howard," I pleaded. "It doesn't matter...it didn't mean anything..."

I trailed off.

I stood in the rain on our porch, breathing heavily. Tears started to well up in my eyes.

"Can't we talk about it?"

"There isn't anything...there's nothing..." I murmured. "I'm going to bed."

I left Howard in the rain.

I didn't know what to do. I went inside; I had a shower; I went to bed.

What else was there to do?

I loved my best friend, but he didn't love me. And now I'd fucked it up.

Of course I had. I fucked everything up.

I closed my eyes, hoping I'd get to sleep soon. I couldn't bear being awake when Howard finally came to bed. We were idiots to share a room, but we'd always been so close, it just seemed normal. I was an idiot to let myself fall this far. I had to fucking up a bit. I needed to open my eyes and try and fall in love with someone who was actually attainable. I hated that idea. I loved Howard. How was I supposed to love anyone else?

The thing that really really fucking sucked so hard like a Mexican prostitute was that Howard wasn't actually unattainable. He just wasn't attracted to skinny, feminine, vampire-like men.

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**_~Winter xx_**


	7. Chapter VI

**_A/N: I haven't got much to say, but listen to Hedley while reading this. Hedley is perfect._**

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Vector had started singing. Another day, another song. I wasn't sure what she was singing today. Though, I never knew what she was singing. She was plugged into her iPod just jamming away to the music playing loudly in her ears.

I could have said that she'd go deaf, but the hypocrite in me found a way to keep it inside. Being Vector wasn't easy, obviously. It was hard work being a teenager. Especially an insane one like Vector.

"Whenever you smile, I smile," she sang to herself as she read her book. She seemed content, not really bothered by anything. That was good. I was not in the mood for a depressed Vector. I couldn't handle the depression I had myself, so someone else weighing it on me as well would do fuck all.

I wasn't a depressed person, but then I fell in love with my straight best mate...Oh, and then I kissed my straight best mate, so I was I'd totally harassed my well-being.

"What are you reading?" I asked Vector trying to pass the time so I wouldn't look over at Howard cleaning the tables around the cafe...his arse..."What are you reading?"

"Uuh, Brave New World. Have you read it?" She asked, pulling on earphone out.

"Of course! What are you listening to?"

"Nothing, " she said firmly, looking down. "Justin Bieber."

"Justin Bieber?" I asked. "That tiny, soft child from America?"

"He's Canadian, actually," Vector corrected me, slipping a skinny cut piece of lined paper to mark the spot of her book.

"Tiny and soft though, yeah?'

"Yeah, he's tiny and soft. Wish I had my own Biebs. That'd be great. I'd dress him up as a panda and feed him twiglets...which he doesn't like by the way!"

"He doesn't like twiglets?"

"Naw, it is was on an interview with Alan Carr. He doesn't like twiglets. Don't really know why everyone likes them, though. They're just weird."

"They're good to crush though..."

"I suppose-"

"Hey, Vince," Howard called to me...I suddenly realized that we'd actually have to talk about this. "Vince, I'm not ignoring you anymore."

"What's going on?" Vector asked, clearly concerned.

"Nothing to do with you, V," I said. "It's uh...adult stuff."

"Adult stuff?" She scoffed. "Vince and adult stuff don't really go together, but whatever."

Howard and I really had to stop leaving the cafe when Naboo wasn't working or when he was stoned in the corner. Naboo was stoned in the corner today, holding onto Bollo for dear life. He loved that stuffed ape way too much.

"Howard, I don't know what to say."

"I do."

I took a deep breath in. "Say it then," I breathed out.

"I'm really sorry."

"For what?"

"For being an arsehole."

"You're not an arsehole, Howard."

"I was stupid to never notice. I'm so sorry."

"Look, Howard, it doesn't matter. It was just the heat of the moment."

"Vince, I'm not stupid, you know it wasn't _just_ the heat of the moment."

"No...I guess not." I felt ashamed. You should never feel ashamed to love someone who you could definitely actually be with (despite the straightness), but here I was feeling as guilty as a young priest.

"Are you...gay?"

"No, I'm not gay, Howard." I whispered. "It's-uuuh-sort of like, anyone...I don't put a face to a gender...if that makes sense. I like people...not boys or girls."

"So, you're bisexual?"

"I guess so...don't really like to label things..." I sighed. "Always found that stupid."

"Yeah, me too."

"What are you gonna do now?"

"Me? I haven't got anything to do. I want to know how long though...how long you've-"

"Been in love with you?" I asked, and finally looked Howard straight into the eyes.

"Love?" Howard said hesitantly. "I didn't know you loved...me."

"Well, I do."

"Fuck, I'm sorry."

"For what? For being irresistable when you kissed me at that fucking party?"

"I don't remember that."

"You were too drunk to remember. I was drunk enough to do stupid shit that night, but not drunk enough to forget."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry! You're not sorry! You don't understand what it's like to be in love with your best mate, who is clearly not interested in men! You don't know how hard it's been for me. It's been fucking years, Howard. Years of me being an idiot!"

"You're not an idiot?"

"Really?" I scoffed. "You tell me otherwise every bloody day."

"That's a joke, Vince, and you know it! You're my best friend! We joke about that kind of shit."

"Yeah, I know." I said, not really knowing how this conversation was supposed to be going. I imagined Howard would be having a huge fit, but he just seemed kind of confused and...interested...? "Fuck..."

"Yeah...fuck."

"I know you don't feel the same way, Howard. I'm not expecting you too, but I don't know how it's possible for this not to be awkward now. I-I love you and I don't think I can stop at this point..."

"Vince, I really can't do anything. You know how I feel...I'd change if I could."

"What's that supposed to mean? If you were gay, you'd be totally into me?"

"Well...yeah."

"Now I'm just confused."

"You're gorgeous, Vince. I just wished it did something to me."

"So...wait...you _want_ to be attracted to me, but aren't?"

"Basically, yeah."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." I laughed. "You can't just go gay! It isn't like flicking a switch, you idiot."

"I didn't say I was gonna go gay!" Howard exclaimed.

"Seemed like it! Howard, you don't have to please me. I love you and I want you to be happy, that's my thing."

"Vince, how are we supposed to work through this?"

"We can forget it ever happened. It wasn't important." I said. "I can have anyone I want. I want you, but that's not worked out too well, so just go back to being normal, oblivious Howard, while I turn into a massive slut."

"I'd rather you not be a massive slut."

"Okay, massive slut not so much. Let me try and find a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, yeah?"

"I can't forget this happened."

"Neither can I, but we just need to let it slide."

"You're in love with me!"

"Hard to believe, isn't? Me in love with _you_! Blasphemer!" I laughed. Howard smiled, but crossed his arms agitated.

"We can't talk about this anymore."

"It hurts too much."

"Yeah."

"Alright, boys?" Vector called up the steps towards us. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine," I replied, with a large grin.

"Cool. D'you know that Zac Efron's younger brother is gay?"

* * *

**_Harumph_**

**_Zac Efron's younger brother is actually gay :')_**

**_I have a huge crush on Zac Efron..._**

**_xx_**


	8. Chapter VII

When I was in school I tried to be a trendsetter. I tried to be popular. I tried to be the coolest guy at school. I ended up being the poofy kid.

The poofy kid.

Because I dressed like Gary Numan had gotten sick on Gene Simmons.

I was the poofy kid.

Never feeling special. Never feeling special. I...had never felt special.

But when I was with Howard, he made me feel like I was worth all the gold in the world and more.

He'd told me that once.

He'd said that being with me was more exciting than dancing to a jazz record. And that was a lot coming from Howard Moon: Jazz Fanatic. He'd said that I was the most important thing in the world to him; that I was worth all the gold in the world and more.

I was riches to him.

So, though I wasn't popular at school; and though I was the poofy kid; I had Howard. And Howard thought I was the most amazing human being to ever walk the earth.

What was lacking was the sexual attraction.

For me I guess it was always there. Always lurking in the shadows wanting to make it's grand appearance with a flourish and a twirl.

It would have been gorgeous.

People would yell, saying, "Who is that?"

"Is it Christ?"

"Vince Noir, Rock n' Roll Star!"

They'd love me.

They'd love me, because I would have kissed Howard and he would have kissed me back.

And it would have been beautiful.

It would have been a beautiful sight to see playing out in front of your eyes, more dazzling than a stage filled with drag queens lip syncing to five different Cher songs all at the same time.

Now, it just sat in the corner of my mind wishing that it wasn't so unlikely.

Everything seemed a blur when Howard looked at me. Those thoughts would come rushing forward and I'd think, _what now? Do I kiss him? Does he kiss me?_

No.

It was about coffee beans.

It's always about the bloody coffee beans.

"Have you ordered the right ones?"

"Did you grind them last night?"

"Are you listening to me?"

"Are you listening to me?"

"I don't think those are the right beans, Vince!"

"Vince Noir! Vince Noir! Vincent Noir! Vincent..."

It dragged on.

How could I listen to anyone now?

Nothing was weird between Howard and I though. We'd go along our day as normally as we'd always done.

The only difference was that every step was a little more tiring, every handshake a little too tight, every look a little less reassuring.

Everything seemed so normal, yet so...painful.

See, that's why I hate Romeo and Juliet. They keep going on about how painful it is that they can't fucking be together because their families hate each other. Yeah, yeah that really is shit. But imagine going along your normal day with the person you've loved for years always there and finally knowing about your love, but not being able to reciprocate it. That's painful.

They knew each other for what? Three days? Three days and they were in love? The horrid build up of eighteen years is a shit load more painful than three days of going behind your parents' backs.

Pain is a difficult thing to explain.

I'd rather feel it though than be an idiot and kill myself.

Feeling that pain makes me know that all that love I felt was real. It helps me know that I had a reason to love Howard. I had every reason in the world to love him the way I did. That's what I could feel. That stabbing pain of love.

And I was going to live with that forever.

Howard would die at some point. If when he died would be before me I wouldn't take my own life to be with him. I'm not an idiot.

Well...not that kind of idiot.

I wasn't sure what to do.

I was laying in bed, thinking about how much my life sucked, when I felt a heavy weight push into the bed.

"Vince?" Howard whispered to me, as he rested his hand on my shoulder.

I kept staring intently at the wall, hoping that even though my eyes were wide open, Howard wouldn't notice that I was in fact awake.

"Vince," he said again. I could feel his breath against my neck, and I reached my hand around my chest to touch the hand on my shoulder.

"Howard?"

Howard didn't reply.

He slowly...hesitantly wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled his face into my neck.

"Vince, I love you," I said, his voice rough.

"I know," I said. but, I didn't know. I had no idea at all. It seemed wrong. I knew Howard didn't love me that way.

What was he doing?

Why were his arms wrapped around me like this?

And why, oh dear God, why was he kissing up my neck and around my jaw?

I carefully turned to face him. In this moment I had no other thoughts but to kiss him.

Clearly.

So I did.

Again.

I kissed Howard and began to unbutton his brown (angry muffin, apparently) cardigan.

He kissed back.

He actually kissed me back. And seemed to be enjoying, heaven knows why.

It was bliss.

Yet...sad. Sad bliss. Whatever the fuck that was.

I didn't care. I was living in that moment.

The moment of making love to Howard slowly and contentedly and...

painfully.


	9. Chapter VIII

**A/N: I personally don't think this chapter makes any sense whatsoever. I thought, oooh that's booshy, I'll add it.**

**Like a FUCKING MOSS!**

**Well...imma make some small talk. Justin Bieber on SNL last night was quite hilarious. Basically cos Dana Carvey IS A BAMF SO HARD! I love him to deathwads okay. To DEATHWADS. I don't think I'm supposed to make small talk here.**

**Must stop this. This chapter is short. Angsty...and ummm...some more stuff in here too.**

**I've been angsty all day. It's the Apple store's fault.**

**Anywho.**

**Disclaimer: Nooooooooope. nope. hehehe. Nope.**

* * *

Have you ever gotten to that point where you feel like nothing is of interest anymore. It isn't because you've found the perfect thing, it's because everything just...sucks.

You feel depressed. Bored. Even scared.

Sometimes you just get so fucking angry for no reason. You never have a reason. You become this being full of pent up rage that doesn't need to be there. You're just angry. You've gone mad. Completely mad.

This happens. And when it happens you feel like you've gone over the edge.

You can't fucking cry, because it won't come out.

You can scream at whoever you want and tell them it's there fault when it isn't really. It has nothing to do with them. But who else have you got to scream at? It's no one's fault but your own. But you're not the kind who wants to die.

YOU NEVER WANT TO FUCKING DIE! I don't want to die.

Goddamit, I had everything in those sweet moments between Howard and I. Those days of perfection.

But I couldn't enjoy one thing because, well...what exactly was Howard's angle? SOMEONE NEEDED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!

Really, Howard, that arse, could've been a bit more clear.

I ignored everything. I told myself that this was PERFECT. It was perfect. It was beautiful. It had been what I'd waited for for so fucking long.

Of course. I'd always been an idiot.

I also hate how cliche my life had become. So very cliche. I was in love. He wasn't in love with me. And then he was, apparently. And now I feel stupid.

Hahahaha. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

What was my life. So, I went a week of trying to prove to myself that I shouldn't feel bad. I should feel well fucking ecstatic. And then I caved and asked the question that I felt needed to be asked.

"What about Mrs. Gideon?"

"What about Mrs. Gideon?" Howard asked in return, not sounding all that confused at all. Well, didn't that make all the sense in the world?

"You love her, Howard. Why are you fucking me?"

"I love you."

"No, Howard. You love Mrs. Gideon. I don't understand."

"Vince, I don't know what love is. I was infatuated with Gideon. Love...I don't..."

"Then you don't love me?"

"I don't love anyone."

"You said you loved me."

"I do love you!"

"You just said you don't love anyone."

"I've always loved you, Vince. Not in...that way."

"You're trying..."

"Yeah, I'm trying."

I was feeling confused. As has been mentioned before a million fucking times.

"I told you Howard! You can't just go gay! Having sex with me for a week can't change that!" This was me getting wonderfully angry, because I had every right to. Was he messing with my mind? It felt like it.

"But what if it can?"

"It can't."

"What if it has?"

"Has it?" I asked. Damn straight I was hopeful. I don't know why I couldn't just convince myself that he had fallen for me at this point. His voice calling out my name wasn't enough. Nope.

"...yes." Howard breathed. He'd looked straight into my eyes. STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES. I felt...too much love.

I was watching him carefully. He seemed at war with himself. Not exactly sure how, but he wasn't looking too good.

"Howard, are you alright?" I asked, shifting across the bed and putting an arm around him.

"I just...it's different how I feel...with you...than with Mrs. Gideon," he sighed. "It's stronger..."

"Me too." I said. "Well, I was never in love with Mrs. Gideon. Kind of hated her actually...you know what? Never mind."

"Vince, what should we do?"

"I just want to know that you actually feel sexually attracted to me, cos if you don't, we're not going anywhere."

Howard looked up at me, his small eyes staring deeply into mine. They slowly came closer and closer towards mine until they were only a few centimetres away. Lingering there like tiny brown specks. Not an attractive thought, but to me it was heaven.

I smirked and bit my lip.

"Howard, why're you being a creep?" I whispered.

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are, you arse." I said. "You've just stopped there looking at me like you want to rape my guts out."

"I'd rather fuck your brains out." He said completely seriously.

"Woah, Howard! Forward!"

"Vince, I can't ask for much more than another great shag," he said. "Or possibly just a kiss. Or maybe you could even hold my hand! I couldn't complain."

"I couldn't either," I breathed.

I think, maybe, I had let myself believe Howard was finding a way to love me. He had said he wanted to fuck my brains out, which consequently means that he's sexually attracted to me.

3 points for Vince Noir, Rock n' Roll Star.

* * *

**Has anyone got me a fucking panda yet? I really want one.**

**I love pandas.**

**xx**


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